I'm interested in practical advice or tips on increasing self confidence and self esteem in particular with guys. My friends and even strangers often tell me that I'm very pretty and smart but when I like a guy, I often don't have the confidence to believe in myself and end up losing him for what is interpreted as lack of interest. How can I believe in myself more? I am capable and have good friends, the problem seems to start when I like a guy. I've had some good relationships but recently seem to have been disappointed in a couple of guys I dated.
Sadly, it's sort of a downward spiral. You lose self-confidence and it hits your self-esteem which lowers your confidence which lowers your self-esteem, etc.
Having been through the cycle before, my advice is that you need to take a moment and perform an honest self-assessment. In doing so, you need to put everything (and I mean everything) in your life under the microscope and figure out what stays and what has to go. It's not always easy, and you don't come out of it all smiles and grins. But, you should have a plan and (at the risk of sounding all Tony Robbins) the next step is to execute the plan. For me, it involved focusing on work and being a responsible adult (i.e., pay my bills, stop buying things I didn't need, and get into shape).
The idea being that you gain self-confidence when you reach the goals that you set for yourself; because once you learn that you can do things that you set your mind to do, you learn to trust yourself. Once you learn to trust yourself, you find that you can stop relying on others and that's when you have self-esteem.
What also helps is making sure that you have a solid support network. I'm going to be honest, that's not as easy as it sounds. You need to associate with people who don't have needless drama in their lives. If you have friends and family that drama just seems to go out of its way to then find, you need to reduce the amount of time you spend with those folks. Sometimes this can be painful or confusing, but unstable people are a wrecking ball for the self-esteem and confidence of others.
I hope that helps.
#1 by SEO Consultant on May 30th, 2009
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Raising self esteem requires one thing, but protecting it from the bumps and bruises of normal living requires quite another. Protect your self esteem from negative judgments and opinions of others. Above all, protect it from your own assaults on your self image.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." That statement contains a profound insight into the workings of human emotions! How can you own something (in this example, a negative self image) if you don't buy it in the first place?
We all have negative echoes of the past, the unkind words said and the insults hurled when we were small and defenseless. Those elements stored in our psyche give their consent to someone putting us down. Abusers know it too well. They try to make the abuse-victims believe that they are worthless and deserve the treatment meted out to them. When victims buy that, they are virtually trapped. They stop even trying to get out of the abuse situation.
If somebody says, "You are no good, or you are a worthless human being, " and you say to yourself , "That's right! I am no good, I am worthless, " you have bit the hook. When you endorse a negative label emotional upset, anger, sadness, and hurt, are bound to follow.
If someone tries to put you down on purpose, defeat their purpose by letting it just fall flat. Dismiss the negative communication by saying out loud or silently to yourself, "That's just one person's opinion. " To make it even better for your self esteem, try saying something to the effect, "I disagree with your opinion and I know many other people who really know me, they will disagree as well." This technique works better if you make yourself believe what you say.
A prophet in the East, lived from hand to mouth and didn't hold any earthly possessions. At meal time he would knock on the doors and collect food for just that meal. One evening, the prophet, was knocking on the doors in the neighborhood for his dinner. An unkind lady who answered the door was enraged to see a beggar, and she let him have it. She unleashed a barrage of insults and choice words at him.
The prophet thanked her and "returned" her what she had "offered" him. As a enunciate, he told her, he did not keep what he could not use right away. At the time, he said, all he needed was food. So he "gave her back" what she gave him and left with a smile on his face. Don't we wish we had a self esteem like that?
Accept all constructive criticism with an open mind and you will benefit greatly. Welcome all balanced criticism and invite people whose opinion you value to critique your work and ideas. On the other hand, if you feel someone is trying to put you down rather than critiquing your work and ideas. That person is not doing it in the spirit of helping you. Look directly into his or her eyes, and ask, "You're not trying to put me down, are you?" The question will serve as a gentle reminder and make your critic aware of his or her own behavior towards you.
A lot of times when others share their proposal or a plan they want to work on, we launch on a fault finding mission. This may be with a good intention. We may think that a good way to help others is to forewarn them of all the possible pitfalls.
Then there are others who will find faults with everything because it gives them a great deal of satisfaction to shoot as many holes as they can in the plan of others. Both types of people need redirecting if all they are offering you is negative criticism. You may redirect them with a polite interruption, such as, "I am now quite aware of the problems. Tell me what are the positive points in this proposal (or plan or whatever), what of this is workable or appeals to you and why?" The well meaning people will redirect their efforts and give you the feedback you need. In regards to the other type, the negative-destructive type, they may not have anything to say after that, in which case your self-esteem will go a notch up because you know that you can now handle the "difficult people " in a tactful manner.
If you want to really feel good about yourself, you have to do not just one thing, but two: One, stop criticizing others, and second, stop criticizing yourself. Yes, accepting others helps one to accept oneself. When we love others and open our heart to them, we really like ourselves more than we ever did before. If we are at war with ourselves, we are at war with others.
Criticism and intolerance creates barriers between us and the others. Feeling connected with others brings down the inner tension. Stop judging others and it may help you to quit judging yourself.
References :
http://justdowntheroadabit.blogspot.com/
http://www.theworryclub.com
#2 by Skipper on May 30th, 2009
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Hypnosis could help you. Be it done by someone else or induce yourself with the use of a mirror. Recognizing what your problem is in you life is halfway towards solving your problem. Now all you have to do is to decide on a solution and take the steps towards solving it. Like in the Wizard of Oz your answer is in yourself. If you lack confidence than you must begin to be more confident. You must believe in yourself. Build your own self-esteem. Your friends say you are cute and you have attracted guys to yourself already than you know you are cute and can attract some more guys. I will say you are intelligent because you write well. Be fearless about putting your written word into your spoken word and you can communicate with any guy. The guys you were disappointed in were just not the ideal guys for you. That happens in life. You have to have a few bad relations before you get it right sometimes. Sort of like learning to ride a bike. You did not just get on a bike and ride it did you? You built up your ability with practice. Confidence can be the same way. You have to practice it. A good relationship can take time also. Keep on trying. Good luck.
References :
#3 by frankmoore on May 30th, 2009
Quote
Sadly, it's sort of a downward spiral. You lose self-confidence and it hits your self-esteem which lowers your confidence which lowers your self-esteem, etc.
Having been through the cycle before, my advice is that you need to take a moment and perform an honest self-assessment. In doing so, you need to put everything (and I mean everything) in your life under the microscope and figure out what stays and what has to go. It's not always easy, and you don't come out of it all smiles and grins. But, you should have a plan and (at the risk of sounding all Tony Robbins) the next step is to execute the plan. For me, it involved focusing on work and being a responsible adult (i.e., pay my bills, stop buying things I didn't need, and get into shape).
The idea being that you gain self-confidence when you reach the goals that you set for yourself; because once you learn that you can do things that you set your mind to do, you learn to trust yourself. Once you learn to trust yourself, you find that you can stop relying on others and that's when you have self-esteem.
What also helps is making sure that you have a solid support network. I'm going to be honest, that's not as easy as it sounds. You need to associate with people who don't have needless drama in their lives. If you have friends and family that drama just seems to go out of its way to then find, you need to reduce the amount of time you spend with those folks. Sometimes this can be painful or confusing, but unstable people are a wrecking ball for the self-esteem and confidence of others.
I hope that helps.
References :